Written by Devon Baeza, Guest Blogger
“Doesn’t look good”
These were the words ringing in my ears as I laid on the table, about to transfer my one and only embryo. “What does that mean? What are the chances it’ll work?” I asked the Dr. “Our embryologist says you have a 25% chance of success” he casually replied.
IVF had not gone as well as predicted. By day 5, only one embryo had survived. I had known about my endometriosis since I was a teenager, but the low AMH came as a shock. Because the embryo “didn’t look good”, they told us it would not survive a freeze. A fresh transfer was our one and only shot.
That was it, I was certain our journey was over. We had endured so many expensive treatments, 6 IUI’s, 2 surgeries, and a miscarriage. For years, every dollar of my paycheck had gone to treatment. We sold our home (at a loss) and moved into a small apartment to save money. My husband had been driving around a car with no A.C. in the AZ sun for 3 summers. We rarely ate out, certainly not without a coupon. We had spent our entire life savings. All the shots, countless tests, and endless tears had come down to this, a complete waste.
Two weeks later, on my birthday, I sat in the bathroom trying to talk myself out of peeing on yet another stick. All the at home tests had been negative, and I didn’t want to ruin my birthday. I told myself to just wait until the official beta, so I could postpone my grief. I couldn’t do it. I took the test…and 2 lines stared back at me…I was in shock. I dropped to my knees, crying and thanking God. FINALLY. Maybe, just maybe, I’d be a mom after all.
The pregnancy had a few scares early on. My HCG levels were low, there was spotting and a feared miscarriage. Every week that passed, I would Google the odds of miscarriage at that stage. It wasn’t until I heard my daughter’s first cry that I could finally breathe too, and could honestly believe that my story would have a happy ending.
Fast forward three years later. My husband and I had come to terms with the fact that our miracle rainbow baby would be our only one. Attempts at conceiving on our own hadn’t worked. I was focused on starting my career as The Fertility Finance Coach, helping other women to save, make, and manifest money for treatment. We had just moved across the country for the 2nd time, and I had fallen ill. I couldn’t seem to get better. My Dr. mentioned that I might need to have testing done for immunity issues, since it ran in my family. I couldn’t stand the thought of more medical issues after everything I had already been through. I was sick, exhausted, and feeling really scared and helpless. As I pulled out of a parking lot and onto the road, I looked up. There was a huge rainbow, going across the whole sky. Under it was a smaller rainbow. An inexplicable peace came across me at the sight of a mommy and baby rainbow. The beauty of it made me cry.
That night, my 3 yr old asked me “How you feelin’ mama?” “Aww baby, I don’t feel good. Thank you for asking.” I replied “Cuz’ there’s a baby in your tummy?” she asked. I laughed. “No sweetie, there’s no baby in my tummy”.
I knew it was impossible, but I couldn’t shake her comment. I took a test in the morning, and stared at the biggest surprise of my life. I was pregnant for the first time without treatment. In my 30’s. Years after being told my AMH was that of a woman in her mid 40’s. I couldn’t believe it. We didn’t tell my 3 yr old she was right, I was so scared I would have a miscarriage and have to explain it to her. But everyday she would come and talk to my belly. She told us she had a sister, and named it “Flippy”. At 16 weeks along, we found out I was having a girl. When we finally told her “You’re right, there is a baby in mommy’s belly…you’re having a sister!” she said “I know.”
I know that success stories can be difficult to read. Holding onto hope, while you watch everyone else get their happy ending, can be so hard and painful. I get it. I remember it vividly. It feels like the life you planned and the strength you thought you had are gone. The stress feels insurmountable.
The encouragement I give to you, my clients, and anyone going through fertility struggles is to is to keep going. One foot in front of the other. There is a way. A way to pay for treatment, a way to heal your relationships, a way to stress less on your road to motherhood. I know it’s possible because I have done it and now help other women do the same. Don’t give up. If you need help, reach out! Remember that It’s not over until you say it’s over. Your happy ending is waiting too!