Written by Aniesa Fadilla, guest blogger
How can the worst day of my life also be the best day of my life?
We had our daughter for 5 whole months. We loved her more than anything in this world.
When we found out we were pregnant, it was the best day of our lives. I remember my husband asking me to take another test because he couldn’t believe it. So, I took the other test and just like the first, it was positive! We lay in bed that morning laughing and crying tears of joy together! It was amazing. We couldn’t believe that without trying or thinking about it, we conceived a child. We were going to be someone’s parents.
Our pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was heathy and all of the baby’s check ups were excellent. At the 20 week anatomy scan, we found out we were having a girl! We named her Ava Rae Knapp.
That was a Saturday. By Tuesday, Ava had no heartbeat.
I was confused, numb, and in both emotional and spiritual pain. How could this happen? I remember going into labor and not wanting to push her out. I didn’t want her to leave me. I wanted to keep her inside of me, but being inside of me wasn’t safe. I couldn’t keep her safe anymore. I felt like a failure – my body had failed her and my body failed me.
On November 4th, I delivered Ava at 11:23 pm with her daddy by my side. We held her and cried. And prayed. How can the worst day of my life also be the best day of my life? I held my daughter so tight. Although she was lifeless, she was still my life. Still my daughter.
Three years later, with several failed IUIs, temping, tracking my fertile days, eating organic, taking supplements, and “not thinking about it”, I still haven’t gotten pregnant. Secondary unexplained infertility is what it’s called.
I’m 38 now and motherhood eludes me. Infertile? Never thought I would carry that label. November 4th has come and gone. Another year has passed. Three years since the best and worst day of my life.