Written by Brooke Papp, WTF Contributor
I didn’t think I would ever get to this part of my journey because I didn’t think it would take this long – meaning, I didn’t think I would have a ‘journey’. We’re on month 9. So, I’m sad. But I’ve heard this so much lately: people don’t like sad.
I call bullshit.
Miscarriage is sad, guys. And those people who have been through it need friends – it [ the pain ] doesn’t dissipate. Especially when it doesn’t just ‘happen for them’.
People need you when they’re sad. It’s called life. It’s called friends. It’s called support.
Here’s what I’ve done to ‘make myself feel better’. To ‘help my fertility’. To ‘take matters into my own hands’:
- I’ve given up perfume.
- I wear makeup to weddings. Only weddings.
- I’ve switched all my plastic Tupperware to glass. Do you know you shouldn’t cook in non-stick pans? Now you do…stainless steel only in the Papp household.
- I (VERY!) rarely drink caffeine throughout the day like I used to.
- I take 8 supplements a day. EIGHT.
- We remove our shoes at the door…’cause? They can be tracking in lead.
- I don’t use febreeze. My husband has Crohns – think about it.
- I stopped taking my prescribed anti-depressants because they aren’t helpful for conceiving. Even though by taking them, I have felt more like myself than I have in months.
- I’ve taken time off drinking. Multiple times. I love wine. Do you know my life? I deserve wine.
- I walk or workout every.single.day. Even if that means waking up at 4 a.m. I do it. Because I need to.
- I’ve rubbed oils in every place you can imagine.
- I don’t eat food out of cans. Or cartons. Or plastic containers. I don’t eat foods that are processed. Or fried. Anything that’s fun – shouldn’t have it. So, lots of broccoli for me.
I’VE GIVEN UP DONUTS.
I have about, oh, 80 ovulation sticks in our cabinet – ready to go!
I don’t use scented lotion. Or body wash. And I don’t paint my nails anymore. Yah, me.
All of the fun of being a girl HAS ESCAPED MY LIFE, OK?? And today? I don’t ovulate. And now? I don’t even get my period. Yah, I know it’s stress. Tell me how to relieve it. ‘Cause it doesn’t work.
Newest task: getting in to see a specialist. Meh. Meh. Meh.
I’ve downloaded the app, deleted the app, downloaded the app.
I’ve heard ‘time is of the essence’ – which is totally a case by case basis. Some people say 35 is where it starts to get concerning while others say fertility issues can start as early as 30. It’s the person.
None of this has been fun or rewarding. I don’t feel empowered by not painting my nails or smelling like the Anthropologie candle aisle. I like that stuff. And you can bet your buns, it will be back in my life the second I birth a babe. My sweet babe that I pray for on the regular.
Oh, how I long for chubby, little baby feet in this pic (along with Helmut, of course).
So…what I’m now sharing is…the process. Let’s see how this goes!
[Oh and if one person says ‘it’s just not your time’, I may use the methods I used from the Miss USA’s self defense class I took a couple weeks back.]