Yesterday I didn’t feel like writing. I figured no one wants to be reading about my fertility issues on a holiday weekend. Isn’t everyone outside at the beach, in a pool or at a lake having a beer and BBQing with friends and family? Aren’t we all celebrating America’s Independence and enjoying a few days off? Well maybe most people. Gabe and I tried our best to get into the patriotic spirit this weekend, but we just didn’t have it in us.
On Friday we got some tough news. Out of the 13 eggs we got, only 5 of them fertilized?! I was suuuuper disappointed. That’s an understatement. I thought for sure we’d have at least 10 eggs to chose from? The small number complicates things because with such a small amount of eggs, would the PGD testing even make sense? Ideally you do the testing when you have a large sample so you can get more information. And then if we do the PGD testing on Day 3 would we even have any viable eggs left for the transfer on Day 5. Ugh.
I woke up at 7:00am this morning to a buzzing cellphone. My Doctor was on the other end. While I was sleeping, my eggs were being graded. Seriously, it’s the only way to determine the overachievers from the flunkies. My sweet little 5 embryos passed! They report read like a high school report card…A+, A+, A-, B+, B-. Not bad little babes!! (Isn’t it so funny that even at 3 days old the kiddos are already being graded. No wonder so many kids have self esteem issues later in life. Can’t they just be kids!) So the Doctor recommends that we go ahead with the PGD testing. With 5 healthy embryos, it’s possible we’ll glean some important information.
I should say…while I’m very relieved to hear that my sweeties are currently thriving, I am cautiously optimistic. We were in the exact same spot last round of IVF. We had 6 good looking embryos on Day 3. It was Day 5 when it all changed. They didn’t grow and develop properly. We transferred 2 anyway, hoping that they would take, but obviously they did not.
Soooo, that’s where we are. Kind of in a weird place. In addition to all this, we got some bad news about my Nonni (grandma in Italian) yesterday. My sweet little 94 year old Nonni fell in the middle of the night and broke her hip. She had emergency surgery yesterday morning and is ok now but it’s going to be a long road to recovery. She already has dementia so you can imagine how difficult this on her body. Poor little love. She’s just the funniest, sweetest, kindest woman. I fear that she may never be “herself” again. Also, my heart breaks for my Nonno. Those two have been married for 73 years…together for 77! He doesn’t even know what to do without her. These next few months are going to be tough on them and my poor parents. (My dad is an only child so he takes full responsibility for their well being.) Gabe and I are going to make an effort to get back to Sacramento as much as we can to be with them. There is nothing that would bring me more joy than to tell they are going to be great grandparents. (We actually did tell them the first time we were pregnant. Yes, I realize we may have told them a bit too early, but you just never know how much time you have left with someone. We recorded their reaction…it is priceless. I will share it with you all someday.)
During IVF, everyone tells you to relax and don’t stress. But ya know what, life is stressful. There’s nothing you can do to stop the world around you. Sometimes stuff happens and you just can’t control it. So I say embrace it. To quote a book/movie that I really love The Fault In Our Stars, “Pain demands to be felt.” If ya wanna stress…STRESS! If you feel like crying…CRY! And as my husband says, if you feel like a glass of wine…DRINK!
Oh and here’s a tip….going through this process, there is literally nothing more annoying than when someone says, “Don’t stress.” Seriously? If you were on a drug induced emotional roller coaster ride would you be stressed? Well let me tell you the answer is YES! Life can be sad and painful and scary, but it is also precious and sweet and beautiful. I choose to recognize and embrace it all.