Babe In My Arms, Blogs

Our Rainbows After Years of Storms

August 13, 2018
Written by Tiffany Johnston

Storms are often full of turmoil, darkness and in the worst cases can leave us grappling with immense loss. However, no matter the final toll of a storm; when the first ray of light breaks through the clouds, there is always a flash of hope and belief that we are headed towards a better and brighter tomorrow, in those moments we often look for a rainbow. Scientifically, in nature a rainbow appears when light and rain come together in harmony. If you think about it, the same might be said for the concept of a rainbow baby; that is a baby born after a pregnancy or infant loss. These blessings often bring beauty (like a rainbow), relief and renewed hope following a storm.

I will be honest when we were in the midst of infertility treatments I really struggled with adopting the term and the dichotomy of the storm and rainbow happening simultaneously. In our six years of marriage my husband and I have weathered two losses and simultaneously had two beautiful infertility rainbow babies. Our first loss was in conjunction with our first successful IUI pregnancy.  Early on my HCG numbers told us we were pregnant with twins but by the time we went in for our ultrasound our second miracle was already fading. In the end we were blessed with our first beautiful baby boy Kian who was brought earthside in 2014. A little over two years later we started our infertility journey again and failed so many rounds of IUI. Until one day we didn’t, I had started a strict regimen of Young Living oils, supplements and antioxidant drinks 30 days before and all of a sudden I knew we were pregnant. I felt it like I had with Kian, every bone in my body knew that we were pregnant. But before we could even go check in at our fertility clinic, I caught an extremely bad case of the flu and in the blink of an eye it was over. Though I did briefly mention our loss in a personal blog post last year, those who did not follow my posts never knew. The whole situation was exhausting, painful and to top it off confusing. For the first time in two years I was pregnant, and it was all erased in the blink of an eye. To be truthful I wasn’t sure that I could handle another storm, this was our second loss since we had started our infertility journey. That was until a friend from Young Living contacted me, she told me that she truly believed that I needed to do try and do one more round. I am glad she was insistent because we got pregnant again with our second rainbow baby Luca.

By this point it was hard to accept the pregnancy with our son Luca, in truth I felt as though the rainbow simply couldn’t erase the storm. I constantly found a loop playing in my head that by accepting this thriving pregnancy it would somehow eclipse the tragedy of our previous pregnancy losses. With each day of our pregnancy there was a constant echo in my heart that wondered if our rainbow baby would ever make it earth side. There was no turning it off, it filled make days and nights with worry and fear for the unknown. Then one day I had an epiphany that each of our losses were with me everyday; that someday I would be with them again, able to touch their skin, hold their hands and whisper how much I love them in their tiny ears. Until that day, Stephen and I would be blessed enough to have their smiling, beautiful brothers that would be our daily reminders of the beauty and blessings in this world. They would be our miracles, light in the darkest of nights, and our rainbows after years of storms.

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