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Learning To Simply Be

November 21, 2017

Written by Tiffany Johnston, WTF Contributor

At the end of every infertility journey you likely will face one of two outcomes: defeat or pregnancy. While pregnancy is what we all long for and desire, sometimes that outcome is simply not in our cards. Just as each pregnancy is unbelievably different so is every infertility struggle. Some pass quickly, and some drag on for what seems like an eternity. Often during our infertility journey, I found it hard to not think about what an easy pregnancy we would deserve if that if that time ever came. However, both of our miracle pregnancies have left us in the midst of very different struggles.

Ever since we started our second infertility journey I have made it goal to be open and honest about our successes and struggles. And in all honesty, this pregnancy has been utterly exhausting, challenging, and just plain frustrating. With multiple visits to Labor and Delivery that started at 26 weeks, it burdened us early on with a steadily growing mound of medical bills on top of those we were already working to pay off from the infertility treatments. It’s as if we simply can’t win and that around each turn is another struggle. I know that each pregnancy is very different just as every round of infertility treatments can be like night and day.

With our first son, the infertility procedures proved to be almost flawless. Then, during the last three months, I had a lot of rib pain because our miracle babe had decided to be positioned in a permanent back dive pike and use my rib cage as a punching/kicking bag (I am talking full on Mike Tyson). This time we faced spotting, from a less than optimal distance between my placenta and cervix, extremely early contractions that have continually lead me straight into overwhelming nausea, and unparalleled dizziness. Basically I’ve decided that this kiddo has a complete lack of disregard for mama wanting to nest. This pregnancy has been nothing like our first. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it’s been miserable. I am done, finished, and ready for this kiddo to come out, but I digress.

A few weeks ago I had become so miserable physically from placenta and cervix proximity issues that we decided I had no choice but to stop working outside of the home as the stress and commute were increasing my contractions and decreasing my ability to withstand even some of the most basic hardships of the third trimester. It turns out that being on partial bed rest while raising our now three year old and renovating a house is darn near impossible. I mean there is no cap on taking on the world right? We all want to be supermom.

Truthfully, it feels good to have made it this far along. I feel proud that we not only made it successfully through the first two trimesters and somehow I managed to not riddle myself with a ton of anxiety and stress over what could be, but now we have surpassed every doctor’s belief that we could likely deliver 4-10 weeks early. This baby is reminding me that although just over nine months ago I was willingly dissecting my body to become pregnant through chemicals, procedures, holistic remedies, essential oils, diet, acupuncture, chiropractic care, and more. Now I have to step back, listen to our doctors, family and friends, and simply be. Be one with the notion that at 38 weeks I won’t be canning in the kitchen with my mother or painting three rooms in our house like I did with my first son. That in all likelihood the remodeling projects won’t be finished in time, the baby’s room will not be put together, and the bills will still be there. I must constantly remind myself that the moment we got our BFP I was granted the amnesty to rest, breathe, and simply be in the miracle that we are being blessed enough to experience.

While our first infertility miracle reminded us of what could be and the power of change, this baby has given me even more than I could ever imagined. He has reminded me day after day that I simply must slow down, enjoy the cuddles that my growing toddler is still willingly gifting, and be humbled in knowing that while I have temporarily traded in my super mom status (i.e.: being the homemaker, working in an office, running a small business, and blogging), we unequivocally knew what we were signing up for. I mean, this isn’t our first time to the infertility rodeo.

In all reality, with every stage of pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions and feelings. I want time to simultaneously hurry up and slow down all at once. Physically, I want to be done I am exhausted and tired of the contractions and hospital visits and pain that makes me dizzier than a tilt-a-whirl. But emotionally, I’m so happy that this baby is staying put, especially when this could quite possibly be the last time we will ever be pregnant and I want to savor every moment of the blessing.

In no way is this path of our journey easier than the last. It is simply similar and different all at once. I do not long for the heartache, exhaustion, and pain of our infertility journey as I longed for another baby. I simply have begun to realize that in each stage of our journey, we are blessed with challenges that will shape and mold us as people, parents, and members of society. So as we slowly approach the arrival of our newest miracle baby I will try to cherish each contraction, dizzy spell, and moment that someone tells me to sit down and rest. For I know now more than ever that sometimes we must just let things be and savor the journey whether difficult or easy.

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