Babe In My Heart, Blogs

Conquering The Unknown

December 7, 2017

Written by Vanessa Tully, guest blogger

As a child of just 6 years old, you clearly don’t comprehend the enormity of having one ovary and fallopian tube removed due to gangrene until twelve years later when you’re 18 and it’s happening yet again. Over the last 15 years, I’ve had a lot of time to ask the “whys”, I’ve been angry and sad, and I have learned how to deal with the menopause (those darn hot flashes!). But nothing worried me more than how I’d tell my future husband that I couldn’t make him the father that I knew he deserved to be quite as easily as others. Luckily, this man has never faltered from my side. Even when the sadness and anxiety kick in, he’s always there to remind me that I’m not completely alone in this journey.

Choosing a donor was probably the hardest thing for us at first. We joined 8 different agency websites to maximize our options and to say that it was strange, is a huge understatement. We spent days that turned into weeks trying to find someone who resembled me, had the same blood type etc., and when it became too much, we had to step away for a bit.

Eventually, the search became easier and after a couple of months, we found and even met our donor! We wanted to thank her for the selfless gift she was bestowing us with and we left that meeting with a great sense of peace, one that we hadn’t felt in a long time. She told us “We are all in this together and we all want the same outcome” and we knew we had made the right choice.

During this process, I’ve gone through feeling so low that shopping for baby shower gifts caused anxiety attacks in the middle of a store and watching Huggies commercials made me break out into tears. But I have also felt excitement during our donor’s retrieval and optimism after our embryos went through genetic testing. I’ve gone through bouts of feeling alone because no one really understands these ups and downs unless they’re in “it”.

All in all, it’s the fear of the unknown that scares my husband and me the most. We have no control over how this story ends (or begins). Yet here we are, 6 days away from our transfer date with embryo #4. We still have so much hope that we will be parents one day, whichever direction this path chooses to take us.


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