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Anxiety’s Long Road

August 3, 2018

Written by: Marilena Kalfountzos

I never thought it could happen to me.

How could it when it just happened to my sister? And I already had a 15 month old little girl who was a perfect pregnancy. But it happened.

I was 10 weeks and I went to my first ultrasound. The doctor came in happily and asked me how I was feeling. I told her my morning sickness had slowed down and I had been feeling better.  

She started the ultrasound and from the second she put that thing on me… I knew. There was no heartbeat. She called my baby an “blighted ovum”. How awful is that? I was pregnant for 10 weeks. Loving my baby for 10 whole weeks. I made plans… I dreamed of him. I felt like he was a boy. And I was so sad and ashamed. I was ashamed that my body didn’t do what it was supposed to do. And I’m still sad and disappointed.

It took 7 months of trying so hard to get pregnant again. With the help of fertility drugs of course because when it rains it pours. So I was experiencing infertility issues. How? I had already been pregnant! And I had a little girl! 

And 7 months after the most devastating day of my life.. there it was. A positive pregnancy test. Very faint.. but it was there and it was the scariest day of my whole life. And instant anxiety began. It was so strong that some days I honestly thought I might die. I cried so much the days leading up to my first ultrasound because now I knew that a miscarriage doesn’t discriminate. So what that I’d already had one? So what that my sister and my cousin just had one too? You think it cares you got pregnant using fertility drugs? Nope. But we went to the appointment and I was terrified. When the doctor asked me this time how I was feeling.. I said I didn’t know. Even though morning sickness had hit me full force, it didn’t matter.

And there it was. A heartbeat. A growing baby that was only 8 weeks which was a week behind from what she had hoped for but it was just miscalculation of my ovulation date. Thank god. My ultrasound was instant relief until I got home and realized that I can still lose this baby. So my anxiety continued from one appointment to the next… until 15 weeks when I found out that I had an anterior placenta that blocks most of your baby’s movement as they grow. Ha! I did feel flutters early on and it was so beautiful. But after about 20 weeks I had to work so hard to feel anything… and my anxiety reached the roof at that point. How was I going to get through this for 20 more weeks???

But I did. With the help of my fabulous nurses at the hospital and my weekly NSTs (non stress test) I did it.

And he finally came.. After 3 1/2 hours of labor and right on his due date. I have never felt such relief in my whole life. He was finally here after so long of waiting for him. I felt like I had known him for ages. He was so beautiful and he was everything I had wished for. He was healthy and he was here.

I hoped that my anxiety would end there but postpartum depression and anxiety hit me hard. And I was so scared of losing him.

My rainbow is 5 months now. Healthy, happy and mine. I have never felt so much love and appreciation for my children. And blessed that I they’re even here. I never understood how difficult it could be for people to get pregnant or even carry a pregnancy to term until I had to go through it myself.

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