Written by Jennifer Segovia, Guest Blogger
In 2008 we got married and soon after, the kid questions started. At the time I wasn’t ready to be a mom or even attempt at taking on that kind of responsibility. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids and I was totally selfish. We liked to come and go as we please, travel, keep a clean house, SLEEP, etc. When people would ask, we simply respond with “someday, we have fur babies for now”.
Well, fast forward to 2011, we finally felt like we were ready to start “trying.” We tried for over a year, then a year later went back and I was put on five rounds of Clomid..…NOTHING! I was depressed, angry, bewildered, and ready to give up! Up until this point we had a good and fun marriage, but now things were starting to get tough. We started to drift apart, barely even talked and would only really have sex when I thought I was ovulating. Neither of us wanted to admit that there was something wrong. Neither of us wanted to be “at fault” for something that should be so natural.
You know when they have the “birds and the bees” talk, no one ever had mentioned INFERTILITY (to me or my husband). So not only did I not know or understand, I never thought that could be us. After many tests for both of us, there was nothing wrong. I started to wonder though, what was wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why? I was in a category affectionately called UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Not only did we not know or understand what that meant, I had no way to fix it. This news also took a toll on our marriage, although physically there was nothing wrong, I felt less of a woman and my husband was just not supportive in the way I needed or wanted him to be.
Things got worse before they got better. My husband and I were sleeping in separate bedrooms and now sex was non-existent. It was about this time, when we actually started talking about the “D word”; divorce. It was so hard and I remember thinking to myself, what is the point of staying married when I can’t even have a family. I remember that I felt like it was entirely my fault. I absolutely hated wedding showers, weddings, baby showers, birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, birthdays, holidays and the list goes on. Pretty much if it was a celebration about moving forward in life (as the world does), I avoided it, I shut down, and I hid in my work! Work became the excuse of why I couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything. If I did go out it was seldom and far and few in between.
We continued to “try” off and on for the next year, but it wasn’t until one day I had finally had it. I wanted couples counseling or a divorce! That night my husband and I really sat down and finally had a conversation that we had avoided for years. We decided to go to marriage counseling. I will premise this by saying, marriage counseling only works if you are willing to go and admit there is something wrong or that needs to be fixed, and promise each other that you are going to actively work on making it better. My husband and I really wanted better for ourselves and each other and we made a promise to each other to work for our marriage with counseling. We knew that this was years of issues and wouldn’t be resolved in a session or two. We continued to make counseling and our marriage a priority.
For us, it helped us open up and communicate what we had both feared and most importantly explain that fear to one another so we had an understanding of how the other person was feeling. Turns out we loved each other and had similar fears. I think prior to counseling we knew how to communicate on a surface level but when it came to our feelings neither of us knew how to really dig deep or articulate our feelings to one another. Once we were able to begin to actually communicate we also were able to talk about growing our family again.
We decided to seek help from a fertility specialist. The first specialist didn’t work for us and we had a failed IUI and a miscarriage. Talk about stress, sadness, grief, and a million other emotions. I truly feel that because we had gone thru so many years of trying and were able to learn how to communicate better before fertility treatments it helped us to help each other and cope with our losses. My husband may not have understood exactly what I was going thru but he now knew how to support and be there for me and vice versa. One of things I learned going thru infertility is that its not just me going through the suffering, but my husband to was suffering these loses with me. We decided to take a couple of months off to let my body, our hearts and souls just relax and heal. The best part was that we decided this together and knew it was the best thing for our marriage and us.
Finally we found a fertility specialist and his team who was able to give us more answers. This time before we proceeded with round three we sat down and discussed what we wanted, our goals, how many more times and agreed how these next rounds would proceed. Of course we wanted it to work immediately but it took a few rounds. Round three ended as a failed IUI and we went straight to round four.
Round four IUI was a success and I still remember getting the call and calling my husband and yelling out, “WE ARE PREGNANT!” Neither of us thought round four even worked and suddenly we were planning and anticipating being parents. Unfortunately, this round ended in a miscarriage. I remember the day my baby passed and I just cried and cried. My husband cried and grieved along side me and although we didn’t say much, we knew how we were both feeling. It was a sad time and at the same time we had to make more decisions.
Our marriage had changed and faced many challenges: we got married and enjoyed a few great years together, we were challenged with infertility, we were challenged at the thought of divorce, we have had two failed IUI’s and two miscarriages. Although we have gone thru so many challenges our marriage has survived and we are the lucky ones to have done it and stayed together.
So when it came to round five, we decided to move on and do it immediately. To our surprise round five worked but the biggest shock was when we went for our first ultrasound. At the first ultrasound we not only confirmed the pregnancy, but we also met our TWINS! My pregnancy had its moments but after all our struggles and time that past, I cherish and miss my pregnancy! My husband and I had no idea what we were in for with twins and more challenges came once they were born.
My babies were preemies and went spent three weeks in the NICU and my husband drove us to see them everyday and helped me out since I was recovering from an emergency c-section. Once they got home, not only was I still healing, I was also caring for two babies! Caring for twins is a whole blog in and of it self, but I am sure whether you are a singleton or multiples momma-it is just purely exhausting! No one was sleeping, and well that brought up some issues but I can tell you now we are seven months into this and our marriage has struggled with new babies but in the end we have learned to talk it out and fight fair. Fighting fair means sticking to the challenge at the time and trying to come up with a viable and realistic solution that will work for us four. It has and continues to be challenging but it is all I know and for us it has been worth the time and effort to continue loving and helping each other now as new parents of TWINS.