Monthly Archives

May 2019

Babe In My Arms, Babe In My Belly, Babe In My Heart, Blogs, Uncategorized

The Heart Wrenching Journey

May 21, 2019

Written by Juliette Lindeman, Guest Blogger

A little over seven years ago I began a journey. A depressing, heart wrenching journey that ultimately led to one of the greatest days of my life.

In my early twenties I had no thought of infertility. I figured that when I wanted to start a family, I would. It would be easy, I had seen my friends and family do it without issues. I got married, and we both worked toward getting our careers going. We had a plan to start our family when I turned twenty-nine.

My doctor told me that it could take up to a year to get pregnant after stopping birth control. That year came and went. I started talking more with my gynecologist about what I should do and I googled so many things. I learned all about tracking cycles, tracking body temperatures, and changing my diet. After the first year had passed without contraception, my doctor recommended I begin Clomid. I remember when I first started the medication feeling so hopeful that I would get pregnant right away, we didn’t. I felt alone, sad, frustrated, and disappointed.

I remember family members repeatedly asking when we were going to have kids. For a while we would say whenever it happens, and then eventually just becoming honest that we had been trying for a few years. Most people would say the same things; “it will happen, maybe you just need to relax”, and my favorite was “once you stop trying you will get pregnant”. They had no idea that every month I would track my cycles, pee on a stick to see if I was ovulating, timing the right days to have sex, lay with my legs in the air encouraging the sperm in the right direction, going to have lab work to check my levels, doctor appointments, and then every cycle for the two weeks wondering if by chance this time I was finally pregnant. Every tinge in my abdomen, sore breast, or bit of nausea had me hopeful, but instead it was month after month of disappointment. Sitting in the bathroom with that negative test, tears in my eyes. These years were so hard for me. Every time a family member would announce a pregnancy I would be bitter. Not because I wasn’t happy for them, but because I didn’t know why it wasn’t me.

Then one day it happened, a miracle! I got my first positive pregnancy test. I was so excited! Unfortunately, the pregnancy was found to be ectopic. I remember the ultrasound tech scanning the monitor not talking, or looking at me. I knew something was wrong. That would be the first of many ultrasounds, lab works, and hospital visits. They believed that the egg implanted on the outside of my fallopian tube. I was instructed by my doctor to go to the hospital to have an infusion of methotrexate because my tube had not ruptured. Methotrexate is a chemotherapy medication that destroys these types of cells. I ended up needing two infusions to bring my hcg levels down. For a whole month off and on I endured severe physical pain, and fatigue.

After the ectopic pregnancy, we were referred to a fertility specialist. We had lots of testing done that did not give us any information as to why we could not conceive; my diagnosis unexplained infertility. My specialist wanted me to visit a local obstetrician to remove my fallopian tube; which appeared to be abnormal after my ectopic pregnancy. My new doctor reviewed all my information and test results. He suggested that we try clomid again, with close monitoring. So I started clomid again, changed my diet becoming a vegetarian, started doing acupuncture, and yoga. A year came and went with no result of a pregnancy.

My doctor suggested that I have exploratory laparoscopic surgery, and hysteroscopy. After the procedure we learned that I had endometriosis and adhesions that were holding my ovaries down. My doctor explained that even if an egg was able to make it out of the ovary that the chances of it making it into the fallopian tube was slim. My doctor was able to remove the adhesions releasing the ovaries. We then tried clomid again, hopeful that this was the key. Months went by with no luck. I was starting to lose hope once again, and my husband and I agreed that we would pursue in vitro fertilization by the end of the year.

In August after coming home from a trip I saw those two little lines on my pregnancy test! I was beyond excited, and also had so much anxiety. My doctor was so amazing. He got us in extra early, so early that all we saw was a sac, and a fetal pole, but it was there in my uterus! We went back a couple weeks later, and we saw the little flicker of a heartbeat; it felt so surreal. I was so nervous my whole pregnancy, I worried that something would happen to the baby. I was afraid to even buy baby clothes because I thought it would jinx it.

Then the day came! May 21, after six years of trying to conceive, and 30 hours of labor; I delivered my perfect angel Lucy Rose, the greatest day of my life. A few months after Lucy’s first birthday we were overjoyed and surprised to find out we were expecting again!  Levi completed our family May 17th of last year. Through my journey I opened up more, and was surprised to find out that close friends and coworkers were also struggling. I learned I was not alone, and have found a wonderful community of supporting women.

If you’d like to connect with Juliette, you can find her on Instagram!

Babe In My Heart, Blogs

The Long Fight

May 17, 2019

By Lindsey Taylor, Guest Blogger

Sometimes, it would be so much easier to just give up. Give up everything you have worked for. For some people months and years. All of the doctor’s appointments, and ultra sounds, the monthly medications, the daily meditations, a roller coaster of emotions. The daily self-work, the constant self-talks. Acupuncture, exercise, all of it.

It would be so easy to quit fighting, to give up hope.

Four years ago my older sister had twins! TWINS. Then this February, my twin sister had a baby. A beautiful baby girl. It crushed me. While I was absolutely over the moon for my sister(s) and love my new little niece more than anything, I wanted it to be me.

My husband and I have fought for almost 4 years. FOUR YEARS. Four long, lonely years. Each year, longer than the last one. Waiting each month for that tiny glimmer of hope, to see two lines. But still no baby, not pregnant. We just finished our last and final round of Menopure (Injections) as well as our 5th IUI. Knowing it was my last round made it all the more stressful. Would this be it? Crushed to find out, it didn’t work.

I think what I struggle with the most is that this is my life. My childless life, constantly wishing and wanting to get pregnant. To feel what morning sickness is like, to feel my baby kick, I want all of that. It’s a constant uphill battle to fight for all of this.

I found myself falling into a deep dark depression. Slipping away from the reality of what was, and still is, losing my true self.

Some months we go out of town to “relax” to take our minds off of what we think about day in and day out. Most days we give all of our love to our dogs, Bueller & Kobe.

I constantly have to tell myself; I will not let the stress of infertility take over my life.

No matter where you are in your journey, Keep fighting. Be your own advocate if you have to. It’s okay to have dark days, but it is so important to keep your spirits high.

It’s not going to be easy, but don’t give up.

I remind myself about the hope I have in my heart. The hope I have that one day, I will hear the word “MOM” and it will be my child saying it to me.

My heart is constantly with all of you beautiful women trying to conceive. Weather its your first or your fifth child, If you are considering adoption or IVF, or whatever you do, I’m with you, we all are.

Remember “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”- Maya Angelou

Babe In My Arms, Babe In My Belly, Blogs, Uncategorized

Giving Grace

May 7, 2019

Written by Starlyn Cafferata, Guest Blogger

There are so many moments in my infertility journey that stand out to me, whether they are good or bad. My biggest feeling throughout my journey was that I felt “less than” because of my diagnoses and because it was “my fault”.

Not a single person ever made me feel that way or blamed me, except myself. I often would spend time thinking about how bad of a wife I was because there was a good chance I wouldn’t give my husband a child of his own. Again, he NEVER made me feel this way – if anything, he was so incredibly supportive of me. I will always be grateful for his love through every step of the way.

I remember one particularly bad day – we were sitting in bed after yet another setback and I had just had enough. I turned to him and said, “We should probably get divorced, you’re meant to be a Dad and I probably won’t be able to give you any kids. If we split now, you can find someone that can.” Words couldn’t describe the range of emotions that crossed his face. Hurt, anger, shock – mostly shock. He took a second to gather himself and said, “That is absolutely ridiculous. If we can’t have kids, that’s fine. We can have each other, we can travel, and we can be the cool aunt and uncle. But, we will be together. Because if I have to choose between the two, I’ll always choose you.”

It was a wake-up call. I had been so far in my own guilt, punishing myself and blaming myself that I couldn’t see my teammate trying to support me. I had been grieving and hurting myself and I had to stop. From that moment on I chose to forgive myself, to open up and take the help. God knows I needed it.

Giving yourself grace is the act of forgiving YOURSELF and not punishing yourself for things you cannot control. I chose to take the time that I would have spent punishing myself and allowed my husband to lift me up! I really think that was a huge turning point in the entire process, I was able to handle setbacks better, was able to open up about everything more. It was the best decision I could have made! I really think that allowing myself time to be sad, to be angry and forgive myself for those feelings made my experience better for me. I was able to be more honest with everyone around me and actually ask for what I needed from my people.

I actually saw a quote the other day that made me laugh so hard! “I’m slutty with giving grace to others and stingy with giving grace to myself” – on Instagram – This spoke to me because it is SO TRUE for me! I need to be sluttier for myself! But I’ll always be giving grace to others!

After I chose to really embrace my journey – I went on to hit even MORE roadblocks, more setbacks and more disappointments. Until I was blessed beyond belief to have a successful, easy, joyful pregnancy and have a little angel of my own!

What The Fertility

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