Babe In My Heart, Blogs

What Should Be, Will Be

February 20, 2018

Written by anonymous, guest blogger

So the saying goes “First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE, then comes BABY in the baby carriage”.  What this saying DOESN’T say is “Then comes a miscarriage,” or “then comes the dreaded 2ww with a negative result on the pregnancy test,” because lets be serious… then the saying wouldn’t be as popular and as fairy tale as it portrays. This saying comes off as something that is natural and easy – and should come at the drop of a pin, or at least that is my perspective on it. Which for some, it does come that easy, and those individuals are very blessed. But for many, the reality is that it takes a little bit more time, and some tedious calculations which you were never told about before.

Let’s back track to March 2017, when my husband and I got our first positive pregnancy test! Elated, shocked, and scared would be the 3 best words to describe the emotions we felt. It was the first time we tried, and it was successful! Or so it seemed. Fast forward a week and a half later, and I had a miscarriage. Cue a new flood of emotions: disbelief, depression, and shame. All I could ask was “What did I do wrong? Is this my fault? What could I or should I have done differently?” After talking to many, including my own mother who had 2 miscarriages, I learned this was far more “normal” than anyone ever cares to talk about and it was nothing that I could have or should have done to prevent this from happening. It just wasn’t our time.

We got the OK to try again from our doctor shortly thereafter, but I just wasn’t ready to move on yet. My Little Peanut was still in my heart and soul and I couldn’t bear the thought of trying again so soon. Mind you, in this time, I was asked countless times by family and friends if we were cleared and if we were going to try again soon. I know that it’s just because they care about us, but I often wonder why people think its ok to ask these questions! I’ve learned you never know what someone is going through, that’s for sure! Months and months passed, including my due date, and time heals. December came, we decided to try and also decided to keep this very much to ourselves. Until we have some good news to share, we decided not to share anything at all (hence some edited pictures and this anonymous post). And then comes along the DREADED two week window (2ww).

 

The 2ww, I have decided is the meanest, cruelest, and most irritating time period a woman encounters in life. I can’t remember a time when I have been more in my head then I have during this wait. I watch and wait for EVERY.LITTLE.SINGLE. inkling that I MAY be experiencing an early pregnancy symptom. If someone looked at my google searches during this time, I would probably be committed to an asylum. I, of course, try to eat as healthy as can be, drink tea, warm soups, the whole 9 yards to increase the chance for a successful implantation. No drinking, no medicine, try to stay active, and continue on with uplifting spirits and positive vibes, but the voice inside my head gets to me every single time. I look back on my “ovulated” days and I calculate when I should have implanted by. I look on my app countless times, and log/monitor every single symptom to see if I’ll have an update that tells me that this is a sure tell sign that I could be experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. And in the days leading up to either a big reveal, or disappointment I am probably the most irritable, anxious, and mean person to be around. My poor husband, I do feel for him.

I have the most regular cycle. It comes like clockwork, every month. So here is the day I should have gotten my period, and there was nothing. Took a pregnancy test, and…..negative. Wait until the next day – still nothing, and still negative. Well, my period ends upcoming 2 days late. And while I was disappointed, I was relieved in a sense, because now the cycle can start all over again.

UPDATE: Month 2 of trying has come and gone, except this time my period came 2 days early – with 5 days of spotting leading up to it. Sure that it was implantation spotting, elevated BBTs, sore breasts – you name it, I had it. While we will never know for sure, my acupuncturist strongly believes it was a chemical pregnancy. Talk about feeling defeated, and deflated. This journey is not for the weak.

This is the time that I try to pick myself back up, and indulge in a little self-care for just a few days. I have a horrible period, and let’s face it, when you get that negative test, for me it usually comes with terrible cramping and misery, so all you want to do is curl up in a ball, wonder why it wasn’t your time, and also wonder why every month is so excruciating. So I allow myself to eat what I want, have a glass of wine if that’s what I’m feeling, and when the worst of the period is over… I try to get excited to start what feels like an endless cycle all over again.

In ALL of this, I have learned that God will not give you more than you can handle. I have learned that for whatever reason, my Little Peanut that grew inside of me for a very short time, was not meant to grace us on this Earth. I have learned that this is NOT an easy process, and everyone has a very different and unique story to tell. And most of all, I learned that What Should Be, Will Be. Which is my motto that I tell myself every single day. And at the end of the day, that is what helps me through it all. “What Should Be, Will Be”.

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