Written by Jessie Bradshaw, guest blogger
Fertility Fertility Fertility…. At first this word scared me and consumed my life. I was embarrassed and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. All I could think was, why me? However, as time went on I realized I found comfort in sharing my story with people. I was tired of walking around with this secret. This was something real going on with my husband and me and I needed all the support I could get.
My husband and I just celebrated our two year wedding anniversary and these last two years have been one wild roller coaster ride. When I married Chad I gained a bonus child, Caleb. Man did I hit the jack pot with him. He is amazing. After watching Chad with Caleb I knew I couldn’t find a better man to raise a family with.
At first we started the whole not trying not to get pregnant. At about 6 months into this I started charting and doing ovulation predictor test. However, with no luck we were still not pregnant. Once the one year mark hit, it was time to seek help. I reached out to my OBGYN and they started me on clomid. Clomid affects everyone differently, for me it wasn’t so good. It makes me short-tempered, gives me headaches and hot sweats. It has gotten worse the more I take. During this time we did 3 rounds of Clomid and 1 round of Femara. I was reaching a point I felt like a number and not a priority at my doctor’s office. It wasn’t until a friend who had a similar situation and I got to talking. He told me if I was serious about having a baby I should see a specialist. I wasn’t even sure we could afford a fertility specialist. I heard it was expensive and insurance wouldn’t cover it. I felt selfish for wanting this. This could be money we could be saving for Caleb to go to college or take a nice family vacation. I went home that night and talked to Chad and he was on board. I was lucky to have married someone who wanted to have children with me and willing to do whatever it takes. I went ahead and made an appointment with our new doctor.
During these months I’m not going to lie, life was hard. I had many people ask if we’re going to have kids. At first we would tell people we would someday. I didn’t have the nerve to tell them we had been trying and I couldn’t get pregnant. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me and I was embarrassed. It didn’t help every time I logged on to Facebook someone else was announcing they were pregnant. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for friends but I was sad for myself.
Our first appointment was in December and it was intense to say the least. That day they ran tests and went over our whole medical history. Our doctor told us our next step would be surgery. He had us schedule it before we left and I ended up having surgery in February. Over all it went well and wasn’t as bad as I expected. Once I woke up from surgery we found out I had a lot of scar tissue built up on my tubes and ovaries. We are still unsure to why I had scar tissue. My doctor said I could have had an infection when I was younger and was not aware of it. The doctor was able to clear one tube but the other was irrepairable. After I was recovered from surgery we started back on Clomid. The last 5 months we did 5 rounds of Clomid and added the HCG shot and had 2 failed IUI. The disappointment grew each month.Each month hit hard. Not only were we dealing with the Clomid crazies but also stress of marriage and fertility problems. During this time I felt like hardly anyone understood what I was going through. I felt like my world was ending and people just wanted to say nice things like it will work out, its timing, just relax, maybe you should stop trying so hard. When really all I wanted to hear was I know this sucks and it’s not fair. Most people would jump right into what about IVF or adoption. Both of these are definitely options for us. However, when you always dreamed of carrying your own child and the thought you may never get to experience, you don’t say, “Well you can always adopt.” We’re up for IVF. However, we can’t afford it right now. My doctor explains it best that IVF is like buying a brand new truck. The difference when buy a truck you get to drive it off the lot and IVF you aren’t even guaranteed a baby.
Chad and I finally reached a point that we weren’t going to let fertility run our life. We were tired of scheduling our life around our child who wasn’t even here yet. We try and focus our life on the things we can control. Suddenly life got easier for us. We still have our days of sadness and bitterness but this is the life we live and we can’t be sad all the time.
It’s been 5 months since surgery I really thought I would have been pregnant by now. It was finally time my doctor wanted to go back in and perform the HSG test to see if my tube was still open. We found out that both of my tubes were open. I think my doctor was just as surprised as I was. We decided to take a month off from meds. Which Chad was very excited about. He even thanked the doctor.
Here we are now 2 years since we started this whole journey and we’re still praying for our unborn child. I’m not sure what having a baby is going to look like for us or when it’s going to happen. However, I do believe with everything in my heart we will have a child come into our life and be a part of our family one day. We just need a little faith and whole lot of Jesus.