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The Heart Wrenching Journey

May 21, 2019

Written by Juliette Lindeman, Guest Blogger

A little over seven years ago I began a journey. A depressing, heart wrenching journey that ultimately led to one of the greatest days of my life.

In my early twenties I had no thought of infertility. I figured that when I wanted to start a family, I would. It would be easy, I had seen my friends and family do it without issues. I got married, and we both worked toward getting our careers going. We had a plan to start our family when I turned twenty-nine.

My doctor told me that it could take up to a year to get pregnant after stopping birth control. That year came and went. I started talking more with my gynecologist about what I should do and I googled so many things. I learned all about tracking cycles, tracking body temperatures, and changing my diet. After the first year had passed without contraception, my doctor recommended I begin Clomid. I remember when I first started the medication feeling so hopeful that I would get pregnant right away, we didn’t. I felt alone, sad, frustrated, and disappointed.

I remember family members repeatedly asking when we were going to have kids. For a while we would say whenever it happens, and then eventually just becoming honest that we had been trying for a few years. Most people would say the same things; “it will happen, maybe you just need to relax”, and my favorite was “once you stop trying you will get pregnant”. They had no idea that every month I would track my cycles, pee on a stick to see if I was ovulating, timing the right days to have sex, lay with my legs in the air encouraging the sperm in the right direction, going to have lab work to check my levels, doctor appointments, and then every cycle for the two weeks wondering if by chance this time I was finally pregnant. Every tinge in my abdomen, sore breast, or bit of nausea had me hopeful, but instead it was month after month of disappointment. Sitting in the bathroom with that negative test, tears in my eyes. These years were so hard for me. Every time a family member would announce a pregnancy I would be bitter. Not because I wasn’t happy for them, but because I didn’t know why it wasn’t me.

Then one day it happened, a miracle! I got my first positive pregnancy test. I was so excited! Unfortunately, the pregnancy was found to be ectopic. I remember the ultrasound tech scanning the monitor not talking, or looking at me. I knew something was wrong. That would be the first of many ultrasounds, lab works, and hospital visits. They believed that the egg implanted on the outside of my fallopian tube. I was instructed by my doctor to go to the hospital to have an infusion of methotrexate because my tube had not ruptured. Methotrexate is a chemotherapy medication that destroys these types of cells. I ended up needing two infusions to bring my hcg levels down. For a whole month off and on I endured severe physical pain, and fatigue.

After the ectopic pregnancy, we were referred to a fertility specialist. We had lots of testing done that did not give us any information as to why we could not conceive; my diagnosis unexplained infertility. My specialist wanted me to visit a local obstetrician to remove my fallopian tube; which appeared to be abnormal after my ectopic pregnancy. My new doctor reviewed all my information and test results. He suggested that we try clomid again, with close monitoring. So I started clomid again, changed my diet becoming a vegetarian, started doing acupuncture, and yoga. A year came and went with no result of a pregnancy.

My doctor suggested that I have exploratory laparoscopic surgery, and hysteroscopy. After the procedure we learned that I had endometriosis and adhesions that were holding my ovaries down. My doctor explained that even if an egg was able to make it out of the ovary that the chances of it making it into the fallopian tube was slim. My doctor was able to remove the adhesions releasing the ovaries. We then tried clomid again, hopeful that this was the key. Months went by with no luck. I was starting to lose hope once again, and my husband and I agreed that we would pursue in vitro fertilization by the end of the year.

In August after coming home from a trip I saw those two little lines on my pregnancy test! I was beyond excited, and also had so much anxiety. My doctor was so amazing. He got us in extra early, so early that all we saw was a sac, and a fetal pole, but it was there in my uterus! We went back a couple weeks later, and we saw the little flicker of a heartbeat; it felt so surreal. I was so nervous my whole pregnancy, I worried that something would happen to the baby. I was afraid to even buy baby clothes because I thought it would jinx it.

Then the day came! May 21, after six years of trying to conceive, and 30 hours of labor; I delivered my perfect angel Lucy Rose, the greatest day of my life. A few months after Lucy’s first birthday we were overjoyed and surprised to find out we were expecting again!  Levi completed our family May 17th of last year. Through my journey I opened up more, and was surprised to find out that close friends and coworkers were also struggling. I learned I was not alone, and have found a wonderful community of supporting women.

If you’d like to connect with Juliette, you can find her on Instagram!

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