Babe In My Belly, Babe In My Heart, Blogs

The Big Ugly I Word

December 14, 2018

Written by Ginny Helmer, Guest Blogger

Infertility.

I never thought I would see my name and the big, ugly “I” word in the same sentence. While my struggle has not been as long or as extensive as others, it has been quite the hardship for my husband and I. The past 13 months have been some of the hardest of my life. Infertility is so lonely and painful, and as a woman, most of us feel that childbearing is our purpose. When we can’t fulfill that purpose, we tend to feel like we have no real purpose…like you’re less of a woman because you can’t (which, by the way, is so not true).

When Ben and I decided to start trying to have a baby in November 2017, we had only been married about 6 months, but we knew we wanted kids ASAP. We are in summer camp ministry…we love kids!

By other’s standards, we weren’t “ready”, we weren’t “mature enough”, we “didn’t have our lives together yet” and we “shouldn’t be trying.” So, we kept it to ourselves. And we tried…and we expected it to take a little while.

Three different times in the past 13 months, I had a massive bleeding episode (with decent sized clots) with sudden and sharp pains in my lower back and uterus. Each of those times, we had decided to wait a little longer before taking a pregnancy test, so I wasn’t certain I was pregnant, but I was about 10 days late each time it happened. My OBGYN believes it was either a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy, but we don’t have those answers.

Fast forward to now. It’s been 13 months of TTC, and we have yet to see a positive pregnancy test, and we have yet to figure out what is causing our infertility at its core. It’s been quite the journey.

As we move forward into 2019, I admit, it is hard to have hope. It is hard to be happy for those who are announcing their holiday babies. It is hard to be happy for the ladies who are starting 2019 with a baby in their womb. It hurts me to think that I really, really thought I would either be pregnant right now or already have a baby, in a perfect world. 2019 holds more doctor’s appointments, procedures, treatments, and the unknown.

Resolutions were never quite my thing, but I do think that it is a great idea to set goals for yourself, especially when you’re struggling with something like this. I have a few Bible verses that have really been a comfort to me throughout this time, and which have helped me decide what I want my New Year’s Resolutions to be:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Cor. 3-4

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that He cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” Ecc. 3:11

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?” Jeremiah 32:27

My first resolution is that I will give my fertility to God. I have tried to do that since the beginning, but I know that it is in my nature to try and take it back and fix it. I have put my faith in places it shouldn’t be: the doctors, my husband, myself, etc. The truth is, no one but our Creator Himself can make it so. In Him, I will find my peace, my comfort, my solace, my strength, and my joy (even in the hard seasons). That does not mean that He won’t choose to use people in my life to provide those things as well, but ultimately, it will all come from Him.

My second resolution will be that I want to use my struggles with fertility to help others. 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. Some for just over a year (like myself), and some for much longer. No matter the length of their struggle, we all need a girlfriend(s) to be honest with. I know, in my personal experience, it can be SO HARD to talk openly about infertility. The first (and only) time I talked of it, I was bashed and not believed. Not a lot of people out there understand the hardship that it is, so we need to help those who struggle with this. Whatever that looks like, I want to be a vessel of God’s use. I strongly believe that part of the reason He gives us trials so that we can minister to others down the road.

And lastly, my third resolution is to enjoy the time I have without children. Yes, I know how crazy that can sound! But, this will be the only time that Ben and I will have as just the two of us (plus our two dogs). Once we are blessed with kids, we can’t go back to this time. I don’t want to get so lost in the fertility struggle that I forget to cherish time with my precious (and dang handsome) man. As much as we can’t wait for the time that we become parents, I want to be intentional about spending quality time with Ben in 2019 (and now!).

Maybe 2019 will be the year I grow a baby inside me. Maybe 2019 is the year we officially enter the foster/adoption realm. Maybe 2019 will be the year we get answers as to why we are struggling to conceive. Maybe 2019 is the year we are just content to be a childless family for a little while longer. I don’t know that the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

If you’d like to connect, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

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I would love to get to know you more and answer any questions you might have! 🙂

 

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