Babe In My Heart, Blogs

That Moment When

March 6, 2018

Written by Brooke Papp, WTF Contributor

One of your oldest, best friends, someone you respect SO incredibly much for their good doings in life, someone whom you have been through so much with…

Tells you their pregnant when you’re struggling with infertility.

They tell you, and instead of hugging them and showing them ALL OF THE LOVE, you shake, crying [ sobbing ] uncontrollably.

It’s not that I don’t want this for her. I actually think she will be one of the best mommies I know. She has the biggest heart, an infectious smile, extreme intelligence. She’s warm and caring. She’s one of those people that LISTENS to you, instead of waiting for you to finish so they can talk. She remembers everything. We can all learn something from her.

Plus? Her and her husband are supes cute and are going to produce ridiculously adorable offspring.

It’s not and never will be that I don’t want this for her, or any of my friends – it’s that I want it for me, too. To go through this journey WITH them.

I left her with the feeling of guilt. I said to myself ‘I just don’t want to talk to any of my friends anymore’, ‘I never have good news’, I will just seclude myself so I don’t show hurt’.

‘I’ll talk to them when things improve’ when I’m ‘less hormonal’.

I called someone, pretty much the only one who knew what that felt like and she begged me to not go into hermit mode. Day to day, I can’t say that I am strong enough that I don’t want to do that. But I’m trying.

Each time I pull up social media I see a new announcement, a new baby picture. I saw S I X announcements on New Year’s Day. A year to the date we conceived last year. Ouch. It’s like a sting I’ve never felt before.

It’s been almost a year since my miscarriage and almost 10 months of trying for another little babe. We found out in November, that I don’t ovulate. Or at least not regularly, at all. So yes, we did get pregnant. But it’s going to be hard to plan and succeed without help.

I start my first round of clomid soon and I’m S-C-A-R-E-D, y’all. Have you ever read the side effects? Um…maybe you don’t want to talk to me for the next few months. Cause? Crazy lady walkin’.

But, with nerves comes crazy excitement. Time to try something new and the hope for the future is real.

Hope for a healthy babe, hope for not being overly crazy and hope for understanding.

I’ll keep you updated, until then…fingers crossed

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