- •Written by Justine Raymond, Guest Blogger
We have been on this rollercoaster of a ride since our daughter was six months old. She is now three. Conceiving our daughter did not come easy, we tried for a year. When she was six month old we decided to start to try again, “because of course it will happen right away,” boy was I wrong. Little did we know it would take us on a crazy ride full lots of down.
After having our daughter, I had to have an emergency surgery to stop the massive amount of bleeding. As a result of having to have this life saving surgery, I am now left with extreme scarring in my uterus. I have had two surgeries and am going to do a third to try to remove more scar tissue and prepare my body for another egg transfer. We have had one failed IUI, two failed IVF cycles and still have not become pregnant.
The hurt and pain is the same and as a woman, you blame yourself. I feel like a failure some days… infertility hurts. It’s real, raw and sometimes you feel alone and blame youself. I think people just assume when you already have a child it doesn’t hurt as much, but it truly does. It is a desire in your heart and despite all efforts you can’t make it happen. Yes we are extremely grateful and blessed to have our daughter. She is the light of our lives and very well might be our only child, we are so so thankful for her. That doesn’t take away the pain and longing for another child, I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. We know God has a plan for our family, but sometimes God’s plans and the plan we have in our head are different. I know one day this will all make sense and finding peace is the key. I still struggle with this but I am getting better, I want to be able to say we tried everything possible.
We will continue to fight this fight of infertility in the hopes we will one day beat it. Hope is the only thing stronger than fear and I always have hope. I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but I do know we’ll all be ok. I alway go back and forth about sharing my story because sometimes infertility can take you to a dark lonely place and it’s a look into your most intimate and personal part of your life. If women didn’t speak out and share their stories with me I would really feel alone. The women of this community are so helpful and they get you, they know the pain you feel.
To you reading this wherever you are in your journey, I pray for you. You are not alone. You will be ok. We all will. A woman from this community once told me a quote once, “when the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time”. I hope this can shed some light that infertility hurts no matter if its your first or second time longing for a child.