Babe In My Heart, Blogs

Jeremiah 29:11

July 8, 2014

Today was supposed to be my transfer day. In a few hours I would have 1 or 2 teeny tiny embryos implanted in me with the hope that they would grow into my healthy little babies.

That’s not happening and perhaps it may never. The Doctor told me yesterday that all 5 of my embryos tested abnormal after the PGD screening. That’s very unusual for a woman my age and health which indicates that my chances of ever having my own child is slim to none.

Gabe and I are struggling right now to even comprehend this information. We may never have our own biological kids. Even typing the words makes me physically ill. This is literally THE most devastating news you could possibly tell me. I am beyond sad.

Our Doctor suggests that we try one more round of IVF to see if perhaps it was a “bad batch.” Besides that he believes it’s time to start looking at out other options, like adoption. Adoption is definitely something we’ll look into once the dust has settled a bit.

This is the time when our faith is really being tested. Asking us to believe in God’s greater plan even though it’s not what we want. Hoping that we will trust Him even though our hearts are aching. I am at a loss for words right now. The only thing that gives me the slightest comfort is Jeremiah 29:11 which basically says, “God has a plan, trust it.”

 

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25 Comments

  • Reply Erika July 8, 2014 at 7:58 am

    My heart feels for you. Thoughts, prayers, and hugs to you and Gabe.

  • Reply Jessica July 8, 2014 at 8:15 am

    I’m so so sorry to hear this Alexis, was really hopeful for you guys- I know the struggles that come with infertility and always getting the answers we don’t want to hear. We adopted our little girl after 6 years of TTC and wouldn’t have it any other way. The desire to have a bio child is still there. I hope you guys get your answers. All of this unexplained fertility talk is so confusing and I really think there should be more research. Anyway, I will pray and hope for you in the future and I’m so sorry. Xo

  • Reply jackie July 8, 2014 at 8:20 am

    I gave two kids up for an open adoption when I was a teen. I have seen them grow and mature into such beautilitwomen. Adoption is such a great thing!!

  • Reply Renee T July 8, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Please do not give up. Faith will guide you both to your very own child. I believe you are both destined for your miracle. God Bless you both.

  • Reply Sheila July 8, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Don’t give up it could have been a bad batch. You’ll be in my prayers.

  • Reply Linda Gloria July 8, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Alexis & Gabe, I’m SO sorry. I wouldn’t even begin to tell you ” this was meant to be” cause I don’t believe that. You deserve to be parents & I just believe you will. Hold onto each other & know that we are All here for both of you Always. You will be in my prayers
    Much love & respect
    Linda

  • Reply Anonymous July 8, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Thinking of you both, I’m so sorry to hear this news. Just doesn’t seem fair.

  • Reply Heather July 8, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Alesis …. NEVER GIVE UP …. I’ve seen miracles happen when it comes to children my youngest is one of them …. you never know what type of blessing are supposed to come into your life and when …. yes this is horribly sad news but let your path in life unfold and lead you …. your arms one day will be filled with the most beautiful being this world has to offer just trust in that and love one another through the speed bumps of life … many blessing to you both and life will happen as it’s supposed to for you =]

  • Reply Glenn Burton July 8, 2014 at 9:27 am

    I’m so sorry Alexis.’ll keep praying for you. I know that it’s difficult we too had problems getting pregnant when we first got married please keep the faith God has a plan don’t lose hope keep praying and I’m sure things will work out in your lives for the best one way or the other we miss you

  • Reply Ryan July 8, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Keep at it. Don’t forget adoption. I know you want a child that is linked to you biologically but there are a ton of poor innocent kids out there that just want one thing in life. To have someone say “I love you”.

    So if it doesn’t work out the way you want or plan, try another approach. Perhaps God’s plan is for you to adopt.

    Smile, and keep your hopes up. You will find the right solution. You are smart, beautiful, and full of love.

  • Reply Michelle July 8, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Hello Alexis
    First a hug. I can’t imagine your heartache and hope the love if your husband, family, and friends can comfort you.
    I only know you from watching you on the San Diego News and your Facebook page. Your spirit and smile are contagious. Your honesty and sharing your “moments” good, and bad brings me to take the time to read your posts.
    You look like a natural with kids. I recall your post last year with your niece in Lake Tahoe.
    You keep believing, God has a plan.
    We all have our story and mine has been quite challenging these last couple years. Sometimes when I am surrounded by friends and fully and yet still feel all alone and full if pain, heartache, and fear… I trust in God. I’m not by any means a huge religious person not do I go to church regularly or hardly at all. I do believe though. I chat with God and my mNh angels often and let them take away done of the heaviness. I read posts by beautiful genuine people like you and other inspiring stories and it gives me hope. Have faith.
    You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Michelle

  • Reply Darryl A July 8, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Luke 1:37 For with God NOTHING shall be impossible!!!

  • Reply Rev. MaryCeleste Gall July 8, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Alexis, I know that this is a very difficult time. I had many difficulties and false starts before I had my boys – 10 years apart… I am also an adopted child (at birth)… I am so thankful that my parents chose me, and I knew the whole time I was growing up that I was adopted (and special to them).
    I am glad that you are looking toward your faith for strength and guidance. I know you also have plenty of friends and family that are also there for you. We, here in AZ, will continue to pray for Gabe and you as you continue to move forward in the best possible ways!
    Hugs…

  • Reply Bonnie Connolly July 8, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Hi Alexis,
    Honey, I so know this is so frustrating and discouraging. I’m so glad you are keeping the faith throughout this struggle as well as walking with the Lord every day! The Lord is truly your friend and I know this is hard to remember at times but “the Lord knows our needs before we do”.
    I’ve had my own struggles with being a 3 time Breast Cancer Survivor and Cervical, 5 miscarriages and no children. But the Lord took care of me and I’m hear to talk about it. Don’t give up, my Husband’s Niece went through this for years and then they decided to take a break and the Lord provided them 2 years with a beautiful little boy.
    Relax my friend and continue to keep the faith. My heart, prayers, and love are with you, and remember that you and Gabe will only get stronger through this together.
    Love, Bonnie

  • Reply Elsa Cardenas Knittle July 8, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    I am so sorry. I know that nothing will make you feel better right now but please know that we love you and many of us wish we could give you a big hug right now . You will smile again, don’t give up. Love ya Alexis.

  • Reply Patti July 8, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Hi Alexis:

    Well, this isn’t the news I thought we would all hear; however, I honestly do believe in God and His plan for our lives. I have had so much heart break and disappointment in my life and have had my faith tested so many times, but in the end it all works out the way God has planned and if it doesn’t then it isn’t the end. There are so many kids out there in this world who would love to have two wonderful parents like you and Gabe. If that is the option that God presents to you then there is a reason that is the route you are suppose to take. Sometimes we don’t know why things happen, but it isn’t always for us to know until the time is right. I certainly wouldn’t give up the faith and would do another round as the doctor suggests (easy for me to say), but also keep in your heart that God will never give you more than you can handle. I am so very sorry for your disappointment and sadness, but if anyone can succeed in becoming a mom it is YOU. You are a tough woman, with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. It’s all just a matter of time until you become a mommy. Biggest XO’s to you beautiful lady. My prayers will continue for you and Gabe.

  • Reply Kristin July 8, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    It is going to happen!!! We are sending lots of prayers your way!! L&L

  • Reply Lisa July 8, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Alexis, I have followed you since you were in Phoenix. While you were here, we were going through our own fertility struggles (a lot of similarities to your challenges). You are so brave to write about all of this, and you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t know if you’ve considered donor eggs? I just wanted to put that out there because that is the route we ended up taking, and we are blessed with 3 year-old twins. They are the light and love of our lives. Whether it’s another IVF, adoption, or donor eggs, do not give up on your quest to be a mom – it will happen the way God intended, and you will be a great mom. Hugs to you.

  • Reply Anonymous July 8, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    I have been there! I have been through all of it. It is so very painful but at some point you will find peace. Give yourself time. Thank you for sharing. I have tears knowing I am not alone. There is a bigger plan for you. Do not give up! Sending you and your husband lots of love. Cling to each other.

  • Reply Robin PhoenixFox10viewer July 9, 2014 at 7:28 am

    I am so very sorry that you are having difficulty getting pregnant. I know you must feel frustrated and so upset. Please do yourself a favor and just stop all of these procedures and give your body a rest. You can revisit at a later date. Stress alone can throw things off. Also have you considered a surrogate? Your eggs, your hubby’s sperm who fertilized the egg, and your baby!

    I had my first baby at 39 and I never thought I would ever get pregnant. You have many years ahead to keep trying, just do not give up and be discouraged. Today’s medicine works miracles. Just relax and take care of yourself physically and mentally and please try and stay unstressed….that is key!

    You’re loved by many and we are all rooting for you!

    Xoxox

  • Reply Anonymous July 9, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    There are so many children right in your state that need homes. Look into foster care to adopt. We are fostering and has been a joy in our lives. Knowing the kids come from hard situations. Bring them into your home and love on them. There’s high chances you will get to adopt some if them. It’s a very rewarding thing. You and Gabe have such big hearts and so much love these little ones will be so lucky to have you in their lives. I’ve had biological children and foster and the bond really feels the same to me. I know you two will do what’s best for you. I’m so sorry for this difficult challenge in your life. This too shall pass my friend. Keep us posted and keep you head up! God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle.

    Love the Brught in Phoenix az. Missing you here.

  • Reply Joanne Miranda July 9, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you and Gabe. My heart aches for you both continue to be strong and always think positive for you never knw what god has in store for you and Gabe. Never forget that god is good, and maybe trying one more time are his plans you will never know unless you try. I will definitely continue to keep you both in my prayers Alexis take care.

  • Reply Krista July 9, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    I don’t typically comment and just found your blog. I actually live in AZ and watched you on the morning show back in the day. Anyways…I too suffer from infertility and although we do have 1 son through IVF, it still hurts everyday knowing we can’t have a baby naturally. Everyone tries to say the right things but honestly unless you have gone through it, they will never, ever know how you feel. We had another FET this past March and it failed. We were devastated, I know what you are going through and it hurts so bad. I just kept questioning everything little thing and kept asking myself why. Well, the main reason I am writing is perhaps you can look into CCRM (Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine). They have the most amazing embryologist they are so good at taking care of and creating embryos. You mentioned you had 5 abnormal embryos, I would guess your infertility is not unexplained but either you or your husband has a balanced Robertsonian Translocation. I am not saying where you go isn’t good but it may be worth looking into. After our last cycle I thought we were done because of money, my age and the amount of time you spend trying to get pregnant. Like your doctor said, you can have a bad batch of sperm and eggs. CCRM recommends a vitamin cocktail for both male & female that you can find online. Also, if you do decide to give CCRM a call, be prepared to start all over, they are very detailed and like only their tests. I hope nothing but the best for you and your husband. Hang in there, best wishes!

  • Reply Justin Stucks (justin79er) July 10, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    I really appreciate your courage in sharing the struggles with growing your family. My wife and I are going thru a similar experience. We have been married 2 years and are still waiting for the chance to give a name to a little one (other than our furry kids). Robyn is fighting endometreosis, and is currently going thru a cycle of Lupuron, hoping we will be blessed with a child once its complete. I have been keeping her in my prayers, and I will raise You and Gabe up in my conversations with Him, and hopefully we will all be posting baby pics soon!

  • Reply Debbie July 14, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Alexis-
    God has a plan for you. When it all happens, it will make so much sense. Right now you can’t see the big picture. There is a bigger picture and God will show himself thru that bigger picture.
    Jesus I lift up Alexis and her husband to you. I know that you know the plans that you have for them as you write the story of their lives. God I know that you are more than able to give Alexis a child, but there is something else that you are trying to accomplish in her right now. I pray that Alexis would pray and seek your wisdom as to what direction or steps that she needs to take. I pray that she would set her will aside and seek yours. I pray that your Holy Spirit would encompass her with your love and fill every void that she may be experiencing in her life right now. I pray that you would fill her overflowing with your love and compassion. That you would heal her aching heart and help her to put her focus on you and to trust you in the storm. I know that if Alexis would of been pregnant now, no one would know her story, but God I know you have something amazing for her. It is going to be huge and encourage so many watching her story unfold knowing that you have directed her story. God I pray that she would not lose hope, but that you would help her to continue to put one foot in front of the other and forge on in the name of Jesus. God I know we are all victorious in you and I pray that Alexis would realize the victory that is already hers and that she would begin to claim that over her life in Jesus name. I also pray over the child that she will one day mother. I pray that even at a young age that child would be set apart for your work. God I know you are at work here. I know there is a child waiting now that needs Alexis as a mother, and I pray that you would lead her to that child. God I pray that when she walks in obedience to you that you would begin to heal her physical body and bring her all her hearts desires. In Jesus Name we believe that you can and will do all that we ask. Amen

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