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Giving Grace

May 7, 2019

Written by Starlyn Cafferata, Guest Blogger

There are so many moments in my infertility journey that stand out to me, whether they are good or bad. My biggest feeling throughout my journey was that I felt “less than” because of my diagnoses and because it was “my fault”.

Not a single person ever made me feel that way or blamed me, except myself. I often would spend time thinking about how bad of a wife I was because there was a good chance I wouldn’t give my husband a child of his own. Again, he NEVER made me feel this way – if anything, he was so incredibly supportive of me. I will always be grateful for his love through every step of the way.

I remember one particularly bad day – we were sitting in bed after yet another setback and I had just had enough. I turned to him and said, “We should probably get divorced, you’re meant to be a Dad and I probably won’t be able to give you any kids. If we split now, you can find someone that can.” Words couldn’t describe the range of emotions that crossed his face. Hurt, anger, shock – mostly shock. He took a second to gather himself and said, “That is absolutely ridiculous. If we can’t have kids, that’s fine. We can have each other, we can travel, and we can be the cool aunt and uncle. But, we will be together. Because if I have to choose between the two, I’ll always choose you.”

It was a wake-up call. I had been so far in my own guilt, punishing myself and blaming myself that I couldn’t see my teammate trying to support me. I had been grieving and hurting myself and I had to stop. From that moment on I chose to forgive myself, to open up and take the help. God knows I needed it.

Giving yourself grace is the act of forgiving YOURSELF and not punishing yourself for things you cannot control. I chose to take the time that I would have spent punishing myself and allowed my husband to lift me up! I really think that was a huge turning point in the entire process, I was able to handle setbacks better, was able to open up about everything more. It was the best decision I could have made! I really think that allowing myself time to be sad, to be angry and forgive myself for those feelings made my experience better for me. I was able to be more honest with everyone around me and actually ask for what I needed from my people.

I actually saw a quote the other day that made me laugh so hard! “I’m slutty with giving grace to others and stingy with giving grace to myself” – on Instagram – This spoke to me because it is SO TRUE for me! I need to be sluttier for myself! But I’ll always be giving grace to others!

After I chose to really embrace my journey – I went on to hit even MORE roadblocks, more setbacks and more disappointments. Until I was blessed beyond belief to have a successful, easy, joyful pregnancy and have a little angel of my own!

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