I’ve juiced, I’ve meditated, I’ve done yoga, I’ve journaled, I’ve done acupuncture – you name it I’ve tried it. Sound Familiar? Through my journey I have learned that to most people the word “infertility” is just a word, but to me, and maybe to you, it is an extremely powerful and painful word. How could a word, made up of 11 letters, conjure up so many emotions? Pain, despair, loneliness, sorrow, anger, jealousy – this list of emotions I felt, and still feel, goes on and on.
I have been on my journey since August of 2008, I remember it vividly. I returned home from visiting my best friend and her 6 week old newborn. My mom and husband were sure I would come home and say “nope, I’m not ready quite yet”, but it was the complete opposite. I was ready to have a baby, and I was ready now! So, we did what any couple does, I went off Birth Control and we started “trying”. A year later, and no successful attempts at getting pregnant, we were at a urologist. My husband was tested, and nothing alarming showed up. It was my turn for the testing, and boy did I get tested. I have had a Hysterosalpingogram, internal videos of my uterus, MRI’s, Ultra Sounds, X-rays – the end result was a diagnosis of a “T-Shape” Uterus, very rare. To say that I was devastated by this news would be an understatement. I spiraled out of control, desperate to figure this out; mad that everyone around me was getting pregnant just by looking at their spouse, why was this happening to me?
It is now 6 years later with two failed IUI’s, an ectopic pregnancy and surgery to remove a mass in my left ovary. But if I am being totally honest, I think this was a journey that I was meant to go on – even though it was crazy painful and sometimes torturous.
As of today, my husband and I do not have any children. We still have not decided if IVF is something we want to do. We have taken countless “breaks” from fertility treatments, and are currently still on a break. I still hope every cycle that it will “miraculously” happen on its own – even though I know the odds are against us.
I think I’ve learned that while every journey is different in so many ways, we are all so alike. I know what your pain feels like, I know what your jealousy feels like, I know what your tears feel like. I know! I know that no matter what anyone says, it doesn’t change your situation or how you feel. This is a journey that must be traveled by you, and only you will know when you have found your peace. I wish you all peace, and only you will know when you have found it.