Babe In My Heart

Best Fertility Friend Liz

September 19, 2014

I’ve juiced, I’ve meditated, I’ve done yoga, I’ve journaled, I’ve done acupuncture – you name it I’ve tried it. Sound Familiar? Through my journey I have learned that to most people the word “infertility” is just a word, but to me, and maybe to you, it is an extremely powerful and painful word. How could a word, made up of 11 letters, conjure up so many emotions? Pain, despair, loneliness, sorrow, anger, jealousy – this list of emotions I felt, and still feel, goes on and on.

I have been on my journey since August of 2008, I remember it vividly. I returned home from visiting my best friend and her 6 week old newborn. My mom and husband were sure I would come home and say “nope, I’m not ready quite yet”, but it was the complete opposite. I was ready to have a baby, and I was ready now! So, we did what any couple does, I went off Birth Control and we started “trying”. A year later, and no successful attempts at getting pregnant, we were at a urologist. My husband was tested, and nothing alarming showed up. It was my turn for the testing, and boy did I get tested. I have had a Hysterosalpingogram, internal videos of my uterus, MRI’s, Ultra Sounds, X-rays – the end result was a diagnosis of a “T-Shape” Uterus, very rare. To say that I was devastated by this news would be an understatement. I spiraled out of control, desperate to figure this out; mad that everyone around me was getting pregnant just by looking at their spouse, why was this happening to me?

It is now 6 years later with two failed IUI’s, an ectopic pregnancy and surgery to remove a mass in my left ovary. But if I am being totally honest, I think this was a journey that I was meant to go on – even though it was crazy painful and sometimes torturous.

As of today, my husband and I do not have any children. We still have not decided if IVF is something we want to do. We have taken countless “breaks” from fertility treatments, and are currently still on a break. I still hope every cycle that it will “miraculously” happen on its own – even though I know the odds are against us.

I think I’ve learned that while every journey is different in so many ways, we are all so alike. I know what your pain feels like, I know what your jealousy feels like, I know what your tears feel like. I know! I know that no matter what anyone says, it doesn’t change your situation or how you feel. This is a journey that must be traveled by you, and only you will know when you have found your peace. I wish you all peace, and only you will know when you have found it.

Liz

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1 Comment

  • Reply Courtney September 25, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    Liz your strength through this difficult journey has amazed me everyday. I know you understand what your mind, body and spirit needs to bring you peace daily. Keep doing what you are doing and trust that the plan God has for you will all make sense in the end. I love you to pieces and am so proud of you for sharing your story.

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