By Andrea Robinson, Guest Blogger
It’s another one of those days. A marker. A reminder. A day I feel the emptiness a little more. You see, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, they are all bright flashlights into my heart. They shine on the void I still feel without my Mom. She’s been in Heaven a little over 9 years. You know that saying “time heals all wounds?” Well, I’m not so sure that’s true. Yes, time marches on, people go about living, people forget the dates, but not me.
I think, those of us that have lost someone so dear as our mom, we never get over it. Whether you were 10 years old or 70 years old when she left you, it still brings heavy sadness. The grief bursts still come…like huge tsunami waves. They hit so randomly. No fair warning, ever. Like when our songs come on the radio that we used to obnoxiously sing( think Tom Jones and Diana Ross, those were our jams)! When I wander through Target and see a darling young mom, her kids and her own mother browsing the aisles. When I see pictures on Facebook of mother/daughter trips to fun places, exploring together. When I hear my friends complain about their “annoying, intruding mom.” When I’m riding the struggle bus of adulthood and can’t figure out how to get off. When I’m constantly second guessing my motherhood skills, my wife skills, my friend skills or my job. When I’m unsure of myself, my worth or my talents.
I can’t even tell you what I would give to be able to pick up the phone and hear her say “I love you Annabelle (that was what she called me). What I would give to have one of her famous pep talks. She left me way too soon. I got married without her here, I gave birth to two amazing kids without her here, I have celebrated without her, I have endured heartache without her. I have lived a good portion of my adult life without her. I feel like I need her most now. I find myself rummaging through old boxes and pictures looking for her. To feel her and find her presence in any thing. I stare at my kids searching for her. I thank God everyday for my babies, It’s the one place in which I have found her. Her eyes, her smile and her personality. So much of that has been given to them. They are 4 and 6 years old and are curious and have never ending questions. “Where’s your mom?” “Why did she have to go live in Heaven?” “What did she look like?” “Why was she sick?” I don’t have the best answers for them because I don’t really know why but it opens the door for us to talk about Grandma Connie all the time. It gives me the path to share her because I’ll be damned if they don’t know the amazing, fabulous G-ma that they would have run wild with, eaten junk food with and belly laughed with.
I will continue to trust that all of this is part of the plan. A plan that is greater than mine. He knows best and always will. I know for a concrete fact that God gave me 25 loving years with her and I’m forever grateful for that. The memories she left me with are deeply imprinted into my heart and brain. She was everyone’s friend, the woman that wore a cape under her dress (true super gal) she was the constant encourager, the supporter, the glue that holds it all together woman. Basically, she was everything to me and my brother. So, on days when we celebrate our Moms, I don’t get to shower mine with brunch or gifts. If she were here, I would be making her crispy bacon, hash browns and toast with butter. No eggs, she hated eggs. Coffee too, with cream. She loved her coffee. Oh and black licorice, she so loved that. Yuck, right? But she loved it, so you bet she would be getting it. So instead of all of that, I’ll share her spirit today, tomorrow and all of the days in between. I’ll relish in our time we had. I’ll hug my kids so tightly just for her. I’ll thank God for the women He has put in my life that have lifted me up since the day she left. Today, I’ll smile as I know she is shining down, so brightly. Today, I’ll work to make her proud and If I close my eyes long enough I’ll see her beautiful, perfect smile and I’ll hear her whisper “I love you.” I encourage you to dig deep inside and pull out those sweet memories and share yours with those that matter most. Our memories are the best gifts our Mamas could have ever given us. My deepest love to all of you that are missing yours today.